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Comments 10

1. SingleGuyInNC wrote:

   From the standpoint of shopping for a potential partner, the only difference between “the checkbox” and seeing something that you don’t like once the relationship has started is only time. Even with the checkbox, a person may not realize that they are “that way” and you may still have to weed it out later on. It’s just a screening tool.

   I know eHarmony only states we pick our “top ten” but I think that most still mentally pick more than that and screen out for other attributes once they get to know someone although the ones you keep in your head tend to be less of a deal-breaker.

   Posted 24 Jun 2008 at 12:20 pm ¶
2. SingleGuyInNC wrote:

   I should add that in my case, paring down my MH/CS to less strict ones, being less judgmental and more open to all the various parameters that you can use to narrow your search STILL didn’t net me results. I guess you should consider yourself lucky if you get enough matches to be able to do so and shouldn’t worry so much about missing out on someone. If you aren’t able to be picky enough, think twice before making a commitment to someone if you have to compromise on “important stuff”.

   Finally, I’m not “perfect”. I’m human. I have mood swings, I get depressed, I am occasionally lazy, as I suspect most people are. I got through the personality test. If one has trouble with the MH/CS issues outlined in the article you might want to take a second look at yourself, as we are often biased in our opinions of ourselves. You probably aren’t as bad off as you think you are and are second-guessing yourself. The litmus test is am I this way all/most of the time or given a choice, will I be this way all the time…

   Posted 24 Jun 2008 at 12:30 pm ¶
3. Shar wrote:

   Theresa needs to stop passing off second-hand information, exaggeration and oversimplification as the truth.

   Yeah. “depression is one of the boxes that you can check to make sure you (presumably) don’t get a moody partner”.

   It’s called a preference Theresa … and we are all allowed to have them. There are certain things that I “can’t stand” and certain things that I “must have”. There are a great many more things that I ready, willing and able to negotiate on. You don’t get to judge anyone for having reasonable preferences and then whine on BeliefNet that others are judging you because of your mental state. Per your own words, you are feel like a “victim” because you suffer from a “mood disorder”. That victim mentality isn’t attractive either Theresa, and that’s another box that an eHarmony member has the option of checking.

   We all have areas in which we fall short of perfection … and other people have the right to choose to either be matched or not be matched with us based upon their tolerance of these traits.

   I have all the compassion in the world for someone who is dealing with depression …. but you don’t get to make the decision me (or for other people) on what I (or they) may or may not find acceptable.

   I don’t care about a partner’s height. I would date a dwarf just as easily as an average size male or someone in the NBA. I am past child-bearing age, so I have no genetic worries. I could care less how tall my mate is (or isn’t). I could care less what religion they are. I have a lot of negotiables in my life, and a very short list of things that are completely out of the question. And for a couple of those things; if a person presented their situation in a positive and pro-active manner … it could very well turn into something that was negotiable.

   I guess your friend forgot to tell you that in the 2nd questions portion you would have the opportunity to say “I notice that you “can’t stand” someone who is depressed” and then go on to explain your situation and give the other person the opportunity to decide if your personal situation makes it negotiable to them. But hey … why let the truth and the actual process get in the way of your pity party?

   Where is Theresa’s outrage over photos being allowed on eHarmony so that you don’t get a partner who is physically repulsive to you? Or on selecting an age range? Surely she must also be outraged over the number of 23 year old females who are declining to be matched with 50 to 70 year old males!

   Posted 24 Jun 2008 at 1:25 pm ¶
4. mel wrote:

   “Sorry you’ve become sick of self pity”?

   Why is depression (a medical issue) linked in with pessimism, narcissism, recklessness, and hypocondriasis?

   I know many people who are pessimists who aren’t the least bit down on themselves. I know a lot of people who are full of themselves who most certainly not depressed. Hm…an awful lot of thrill seekers and poor decision makers who do not have a chemical imbalance.

   Can we please place a moratorium on the common misconception that ‘depression’ is self-pity or internalized anger or mother/father issues?

   There are many people diagnosed with depression (uni-polar or bi-polar) who are proactive with their medical treatment plans. These people are not victims any more than those with diabetes are victims of their pancreas or someone with a broken leg is a victim of their bones.

   Depression is a serious medical condition, treatable but not always curable, and not a sign of moral failure or ineptitude.

   Is “uncompassionate” and “ignorant” also available as a choice in the “Can’t Stand” section…

   Posted 25 Sep 2008 at 11:54 am ¶
5. Larry wrote:

   Shar:

   People with mental illness are “victims” only to the extent that they accept the outrageous discrimination of society against them (in America and elsewhere). I sure as hell don’t.

   But while other people — who, like us, want and deserve social and romantic companionship — have problems and illnesses, we are nevertheless singled out. Look at the very idioms of our language — “the crazy aunt locked up in the attic.”

   The majority of people want those with mental illness locked up, or at least invisible, IMO because of their fear they might one day be among them.

   And they might be right, in a way.

   Heaven forfend you check the “no” button for mental illness and then one day develop Alzheimer’s, Huntington’s or another severe form of dementia. Will the life partner you met on eHarmony care for you with all their heart and soul — or will he/she be as accepting of you as you were of others with similar conditions so many years ago?

   Posted 25 Sep 2008 at 1:14 pm ¶
6. Shar wrote:

   Larry,

   She called herself a victim. Read her article again, this time without your obvious bias.

   And you may want to try rereading my response again … especially the parts where I said things such as: “We all have areas in which we fall short of perfection … and other people have the right to choose to either be matched or not be matched with us based upon their tolerance of these traits. “, and “I have all the compassion in the world for someone who is dealing with depression …. but you don’t get to make the decision me (or for other people) on what I (or they) may or may not find acceptable.” and ” I have a lot of negotiables in my life, and a very short list of things that are completely out of the question. And for a couple of those things; if a person presented their situation in a positive and pro-active manner … it could very well turn into something that was negotiable.”

   Therese’s article was such a pity party that she couldn’t even bring herself to correct the factual errors after they were brought to her attention. That’s irresponsible.

   Sorry, but I don’t see the “outrageous discrimination” in not jumping at the opportunity to date a mentally ill person. That’s a preference. There is nothing so special about you or anyone else for that matter that gives you the right to date people who don’t want to date you.

   For instance, I’m nearly 50. Some men don’t want to date a woman my age, and that is their right. They are allowed to have their preference. I do the HEALTHY thing and date people who want to date a woman my age. I don’t waste my time with those who don’t.

   Oh … and another thing Larry … you have no idea who I have spent years of my life taking care of, or of what conditions they suffer from.

   I have no wish to see anyone locked up unless they are a threat to themselves or others.

   I have had a lifetime of long and healthy relationships that have withstood many things, including illness. I have no doubt that I will make yet another wise choice of a loving partner.

   Good Luck Larry.

   Posted 25 Sep 2008 at 6:07 pm ¶
7. Larry wrote:

   Shar:

   I have nothing against you personally. It is the attitudes that you express — and, my point, SO MANY OTHERS DO — that are dangerous.

   BTW, since you say we are prejudging you — yet you are also happy to prejudge Therese — did you even bother to look around Beyond Blue and Beliefnet in general?

   In the context of this discussion, it’s a remarkable support site that boosts our self-esteem to help keep people like me, well, I dare say, date-able.

   Posted 25 Sep 2008 at 6:33 pm ¶
8. Shar wrote:

   “did you even bother to look around Beyond Blue and Beliefnet in general?”

   If you jump to any more conclusions, you’re going to need a parachute. I’ve been reading and posting there for at least 5 or 6 years.

   “BTW, since you say we are prejudging you”

   No, I simply pointed out and corrected your grossly inaccurate and presumptuous assumptions.

   “yet you are also happy to prejudge Therese ”

   All my comments were based her own words. The fact that she couldn’t be bothered to check information before reporting it as fact and then couldn’t be bothered to issue a correction after she was made aware of the actual facts speaks more about her lack of integrity than I ever could.

   “It is the attitudes that you express — and, my point, SO MANY OTHERS DO — that are dangerous.”

   And I find your skewed sense of entitlement horrfying. You cannot force people to date you if they do not want to.

   “it’s a remarkable support site that boosts our self-esteem to help keep people like me, well, I dare say, date-able.”

   What you are doing is agreeing with a bunch of people who share your viewpoint … but you aren’t managing to grasp the fact that your words and actions are repelling the very people you wish to attract.

   Posted 26 Sep 2008 at 6:25 pm ¶
9. Larry wrote:

   Entitlement? ENTITLEMENT?

   Excuse me, it’s an ENTITLEMENT to have depression.

   No. Social Security is an entitlement. Medicare is an entitlement.

   I’m glad you think we’re so da-n lucky to have depression. (Even though you won’t date us, of course.)

   Good thing I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy. Because people like you ARE our worst enemies.

   Posted 26 Sep 2008 at 7:56 pm ¶
10. Angeo wrote:

    Be nice people, be nice. and remember, no sense arguing with a wall.

    Posted 21 Apr 2010 at 2:14 pm ¶

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