Evangelical group Focus on the Family’s offical magazine Boundless Magazine reports disappointment when eHarmony’s advice subsite eHarmony Advice put out an article earlier this
week welcoming and advising fornication and hedonism.
It’s a significant split; the conservative, evangelical community nourished Warren’s nascent business, and now he appears to be leaving it behind for the secular world.
That’s a line from an interview with Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, on Salon.com published almost three years ago. It’s about Dr. Warren’s ties with, and subsequent separation from, Focus on the Family. But it has proved prophetic in ways beyond Dr. Warren’s decision to promote his services to non-Christians.
A Focus on the Family colleague sent me an article published on eHarmony’s advice site titled “Navigating the One Night Stand.” And it’s one of the most hedonistic articles I’ve ever read.
Read the rest of the blog post, dated 17 April 2008
On their podcast this morning they reported,
Dr. Warren took a decidedly secular turn with his service and it seems to have culminated with an advice site that gives people tips on one night stands and looking great while crashing at your boyfriend’s house. As Lisa says in this week’s roundtable, “This is not your mother’s eHarmony.” And we think it’s important to expose eHarmony’s hedonistic ways to singles who still believe it’s a “Christian” dating service.
Read the rest of the blog post, dated 18 April 2008
Focus on the Family’s radio programme Family News in Focus reports:
Single men and women clicking on the dating advice Web site eHarmony earlier this week were exposed to a feature article entitled “Navigating the One Night Stand”
Lisa Anderson used to be one of 12 million subscribers until she noticed eHarmony’s turn from responsible to raunchy.
“After reading the article, which basically could be found in Cosmo the content of it is so outrageous, I e-mailed eHarmony and told them to remove my membership,” Anderson said.
A little earlier yesterday, The-Powers-That-Be in eHarmony Advice pulled out the “Navigating the One Night Stand” article, and moderated out the comments on the “The Girl’s Guide to Camping at Your Boyfriend’s Place” article. Before google’s cache loses it, I’m posting the entire article below for posterity. I’m also making PDF copies available via email request. Here it is, the controversial article:
Navigating the One Night Stand
Original URL: http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=1961
So you’re a swinging single and you’ve had a one-night stand. What’s the etiquette for establishing boundaries, calling the day after and getting out without hurting feelings? We have everything you need to know here.
While most of us are looking for that special someone to spend our lives with, the single life dictates that sometimes the opportunity for companionship presents itself in the form of a one-night stand. While a one-time roll in the hay isn’t exactly emotionally fulfilling, sex in any form can be relaxing, enjoyable, and fun.
So maybe it’s closing time and you haven’t found Mr. or Ms. Right. If you are up for it, you can enjoy a romp with Mr. or Ms. Right-for-the-night. But when you find yourself in a position to get lucky, you should heed a few rendezvous rules to ensure a seamless one-night-only performance.
Be Up Front
As consenting adults, it’s absolutely fine for both of you to do what makes you happy. The key is to make your intentions clear with your date and call it what it is: sex with no strings attached. In this situation it’s imperative to be blunt with each other—acknowledge that the evening is about sex and not emotion. A mature and honest approach allows your date to make the decision that is right for him or her, knowing what he or she is getting into. This way, you don’t mislead your one-nighter with smarmy promises of a long-term liaison. Once both of you have appropriate expectations, you can appreciate the spontaneous lovin’ for what it’s worth.
Do the Safety Dance
It’s true you can’t spot an axe murderer just by talking to him, but it’s a good sign if you are comfortable with someone in the light before deciding to dance in the dark. Keep a cell phone with you, and if you can, tell your friends where you will be and your date’s name. Odds are that these proactive measures won’t be needed, but better protected than penitent.
Further, always use protection. Without the risk of sounding like a high school health teacher, protect yourself from STDs and pregnancy every single time to avoid lingering consequences.
Don’t Spend the Night
Unless invited, don’t sleep over. Snoozing together is too official, and it should be reserved for an established relationship. Gather up your belongings and make a respectful exit. Don’t try to leave a trail of personal “bread crumbs,” such as a wallet, a purse—or, worse, your unmentionables—as a gateway for a second meeting. It’s clichéd and spurious to hunt anyone down after you “forgot” something at his or her place, under the false pretense of happenstance.
Don’t Hang Around All Day
Basic rules of the one-night stand include a relatively quick getaway; they do not include morning duty. Once the good times have rolled, you should thank your eventide escort for his or her company and politely excuse yourself. Hanging around implies desperation, pegging you as the sad Clingy Clarissa or Hopeless Harry.
Most everyone can agree that it is uncomfortable and awkward when company has overstayed their welcome. If you are the one trying to get your fling to scram, allude to a meeting, an early appointment, someplace you have to be to deliver the hint. The important thing is here that you are gracious and gentle rather than harsh and demanding. Even though the fling was just that–a fling–you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
One-nighters need not call or check up on the whereabouts of the person they shared the evning with. Acting as if your near-anonymous night of passion was a first date will just confuse sex with love. Don’t let desperation lead you to dialing and turn you into a lovesick fool. If you insist, send a text message or make a very short phone call (30 seconds or less) to verify that the person made it home okay or leave a “last night was fun” message and move along.
Kind of like the phone call from jail, you get only one, so use it wisely. You might not even get the digits, but if you do, don’t abuse that info. If your twilight tryst was meant to be more, the other party will make some effort to reach you again. But if not, leave it alone and keep your distance.
Keep Your Mouth Shut
Don’t crow about your conquest or the amazing time you had with this lover to your friends like an adolescent. You or your midnight squeeze might be embarrassed by the indiscretion, or your cheeky remarks could lead to an undesired reputation, so drop the immature prattle. Further, if there is any chance whatsoever that you will turn this encounter into a regular rendezvous, flapping your gums will negate that possibility.
One-night stands might solicit spontaneity and liberation, but you ought to know enough not to participate in short affairs unless you are capable of the detachment they require. If you have the ability to live in the moment and not demand a long-term relationship afterward, then you are golden. Ultimately, the more you do to protect yourself physically and emotionally, the more energy you’ll have to focus on your sexual enjoyment during the amorous affair.
The Girl’s Guide to Camping at Your Boyfriend’s Place
Original URL: http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=articles/view&AID=1969
You’ve met a great guy on eHarmony and so far things are going well. The two of you are going out, spending time together, and once in a while you’re probably crashing at his place. Here’s your guide to looking great by using what you’ve got.
You’ve met a great guy on eHarmony and so far things are going well. The two of you are going out, spending time together, and once in a while you’re probably crashing at his place. Let’s face it: the situation doesn’t lend itself to looking your very best, but because you want to hang out with Mr. Special, you’re willing to sacrifice a little in terms of beauty.
When you find yourself wearing his T-shirts and sometimes even using his toothbrush (ew), it’s tempting to ask him if you can stash some stuff at his house. However, there’s always a chance that this will come off as if you are moving too fast–as if you want to move in after knowing each other only a few weeks. Instead of appearing to be needy and high-maintenance, you tap into your inner Girl Scout.
What does that mean? Well, it means to always be prepared, resourceful and able to make the best of a less-than-ideal situation. When you think about it, spending an impromptu night at your significant other’s house is a lot like camping. You are without the comforts of home and therefore need to work with what you have. The few items you do have on hand need to be absolutely essential to your survival. Your beauty survival, that is.
A frightening case of bed head doesn’t have to strike even though you may be miles from your hair dryer. The key to having a great-looking head of hair is to use the right products. Hopefully you’ve adopted a haircut that doesn’t require too much primping in the morning, but even if you swear you don’t look normal without a thorough blow-dry and a session with a straightening iron, the right gel or serum can work wonders. Remember, a little goes a long way, so pack a trial size in your purse–even if you are using his flimsy black comb, not your own brush, to style your hair.
This is a good opportunity to play with your hair a bit. If you always wear it down, try an elegant yet simple updo for that Monday morning meeting. Experiment with different clips, barrettes and headbands. Who knows? You may discover a look that you like better than the one you’ve been sporting.
Makeup is probably the biggest hurdle when it comes to camping at your boyfriend’s place, especially if you’re used to wearing a lot of it. First and foremost, don’t make drifting off to sleep with makeup on a habit. It’s terrible for your skin and you’ll look frighteningly awful the next morning. Instead, pack face-cleansing cloths in your purse. Some are pre-moistened while others require water to use. Either way, they remove your makeup pretty well and are great to have on hand for other icky situations–such as those moments when you want to wash your hands or wipe something off your blouse.
As far as putting on makeup goes, most women can get away with very little. Trips to the drugstore and free samples tend to weigh us down with more makeup than we can possibly wear in six months. Get over the mind-set that you need an array of lipstick to make it through the day. We’d wager that you use the same products pretty much religiously–so go with those and trust that you look fabulous.
When you’re essentially living out of a duffel bag, you need to make every item of clothing count. The key is to select simple outfits that don’t require ironing even after being wadded up in a ball for hours on end. Weekends are a little more manageable, as you can get away with more casual attire, but if you have to dress up for work the next day, prepare your outfit beforehand and then slip it into a garment bag. That way your outfit will be pressed, clean and ready to go.