eHarmony Blog.com

You already invested time in this match: answering the multiple choice question (via copy and paste?), coming up (or choosing) insightful or thought-provoking questions and, most importantly, writing your best response, your best foot forward, to your match’s open-ended questions (e.g., “Describe your spirituality”). That’s a lot of effort indeed.

So why are your matches taking a long time, a week, to start open communication?

There are a few reasons the match got stuck, and there are simple things you can do to avoid them.

Reason #1. “I’ve lost interest / I doubt we would hit it off.”

Oh no! What did you do now?! How did you answer the questions?! Don’t worry, my friend, there are still other matches.

A useful technique for next time is to answer the question partially. For example, for “Are you doing what you love? If not, what would you rather be doing?” you might omit the other question.

You can also answer ambiguously and in a way that urges her to send a reaction or a follow-up question. For example, if she asks you what you believe – just state the various facts leading to your belief but necessarily committing to a definite answer. Hahaha.

Yes it’s a mind trick. Since the guided communication process severely limits the ways we can explain ourselves to our matches with very little room for error, I think we’re justified to use tricks. I remember Rachel who said, “if you can sit in your underwear on your computer and click yes or no to decide if you like person A or person B without even talking to them, that�s pretty weird.”

Do you create printouts of the profiles and communications of your matches when you begin communicating with them outside eHarmony? I do. Among other things, these printouts remind me to explore the questions further with them, more interactively, and discuss any issues closely. For now, in my opinion, the objective is to get the process moving along!

See also the post “I don’t feel that the chemistry is there.”

Reason #2. “My subscription expired.”

Hmm, the only way to avoid this is to reply to your match’s 2nd questions as soon as possible. In choosing between sending a thorough answer after 7 days versus sending a quick, short yet sincere reply within a day, I’l choose the latter.

Reason #3. “I can’t think of a first message.”

This one is easy. See our related tip: “Did you put a hook for the next step?”. This cardinal rule is so important I need to repeat it:

In every reply, put a hook to persuade your match to respond.

Do this and you’ll get more dates! (Do I sound like Napoleon Hill, author of “Think and Grow Rich“?)

Reason #4. “I want to give a good reply but had had no time.”

The easiest way to prevent this is sending questions that can be answered spontaneously with a single sentence. Here’s a few from the list of canned 2nd questions:

• Besides love, what one trait have you noticed in couples that have maintained a successful relationship for many years?
• In general, how many nights a week do you go out for entertainment? What sorts of things do you like to do when you go out on the town?
• During a typical week, what sort of physical activities do you enjoy?
• What do you most like to do on a day off?

We want ‘em short and easy to answer…. Here’s a few from the canned 1st questions:

• Which of the following indoor activities sounds like the most fun to you?
• Where do you see yourself living in 15 years?
• If you were to marry, how many children would be ideal?
• If you could take a dream getaway, where would you most likely choose to spend a week?
• Which sort of date sounds like the most fun to you?
• Do you consider yourself physically affectionate when involved in a relationship?
• How important is chemistry to you?
• How would you assess your verbal intimacy skills?
• How often do you find yourself laughing?

(The last three, I think, are the easiest to answer because they correspond to the top 3 Must Haves of every single member in eHarmony.)

The second trick I use is tag one of my questions “[Optional]“. With just one simple word I say, “Hey don’t worry too much about this question. What’s more important is that I hear from you again soon.”

I hope you find these tips useful. I hope you get more dates!

Remember, in the open communication stage, you can send messages to your matches as often as you like. You can reclarify yourself, rephrase questions, ask Hello, How’s your weekend, say Hey I haven’t heard from you in a while, declare your fascination, express your feelings and so forth. You can unstuck yourself in much more ways.