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A potential reason why people try dating services?

Disclaimer:

This is a little more inflammatory than my typical musing.  I am NOT trying to vilify or stereotype females as being “bad”.  I’m sure that other equally “bad” behaviors are exhibited by males (possibly different).  I am simply an inquiring male mind who is wonders if this is more often than not the reality of the current dating world.  Maybe this is not even “bad” behavior according to the “current rules”, whatever they may be.  I’m just trying to figure out if this is one in a few bad apples or if I’m just an orange in a field of apples.

This is what happened to me (on another service) recently which prompts this discussion:

A female recognized me from my photo on a free service.  I turned out that we knew each other a few years ago from school.  After e-mailing back and forth for a while, me thinking that she was genuinely interested in me, I found out that she was actually seeing someone else!  At the point in conversation of revealing this, she shifts to “well, you never know where things may go” (referring to her current beau and the possibility that he would not step up or she decides to change her mind).

If you already have a significant other, what are you doing:

  • looking at personal ads
  • contacting someone (okay, so they knew me and wanted to catch up but one has to wonder if another “interesting” ad may prompt someone in this position to “test the waters” with a stranger)

Are women (in general) using personals as an opportunity to do some window-shopping?  Is the same (or better) dress on sale before you buy the one you are trying on?  You already have a significant other and are just seeing if there is something better out there?

This would explain a lot of what I have been seeing (getting closed for “other” and “I’m pursuing another relationship” among other behavior patterns) over the past couple of years.

It also makes sense in the context of a vicious circle/cycle of men being typecast as “players” which results in women complaining about it and doing some “window-shopping”.

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Comments 5

  1. RJLRebo wrote:

    From the girls side of things… I’m seeing this a lot, too. The top reason I see for matches closing is (the oh-so-helpful) “Other” followed by “I want to pursue other matches at eharmony” (no problem, I don’t perceive all matches to be 100% compatible either) or “I am pursuing another relationship” (so, why exactly are you still looking at matches?)

    I understand that at some point a relationship transitions from casual to something to be pursued exclusively, but based on the number of closes I get for this reason, either yes, guys are window shopping, or they’re already signed up to star in the next eharmony commercial and forgot to turn off matching. :)

    If the roles were reversed, I would turn off matching at the point a relationship became serious, that is, exclusive by mutual agreement. Until then, I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket, but I consider myself available.

    Guys, I think it’s great that you found Ms. Wonderful on eharmony, just please turn off matching so the rest of us who are still looking don’t waste time wondering about you.

    Posted 27 May 2009 at 2:32 pm
  2. SingleGuyInNC wrote:

    RJLRebo:
    I think we all agree about folks turning off matching when they have gotten to that stage of a relationship with their match. It doesn’t make sense to leave it on. It is extra effort for everyone.

    You do bring up an interesting point…

    What I don’t get is why they still have “I want to pursue other matches at eHarmony”. This reasons seems to be redundant/useless/uninformative. It feels like it is a deprecated option that should be eliminated from the days where there was a 10 match limit for non-paid members. If you are closing us, it is obvious that you want to pursue another match on eHarmony (any of the other responses which are a little bit more specific as to why) or have pursued another match (“I am pursuing another relationship”).

    Posted 27 May 2009 at 7:32 pm
  3. Smashville wrote:

    I can see the I am pursuing another relationship coming up as a legit close. At some point, you’re going to decide to be exclusive in a relationship. While you are able to turn off future matches, you still have to deal with the ones that have already been matched to you – it’s not a retroactive tool. And, to be honest, if I start a relationship, turning matching off is not going to be one of the first things to cross my mind.

    Posted 28 May 2009 at 8:54 am
  4. Scott Grey wrote:

    Having talked to several women about personal ads – Women often read newspaper personal ads for cheap entertainment, without ever wanting to respond to any. However, newspaper personals are free. I don’t think many women would consider spending $10-30/month to read the milquetoast crap most people put on their profiles. (Newspaper ads are at least a little more entertaining, on average.)

    Sometimes, “I’m pursuing another relationship” is real. Lord knows I’ve used it for real a few times. But, unfortunately, it’s more often the the online equivalent of “I have a boyfriend”ing a guy who’s coming on too strong relative to her interest level.

    Maybe it’s not “nice”. But it keeps a guy from starting an uncomfortable scene.

    And, truth be told… I’ve IHAMed (I have another match) a few myself. Not proud, but sometimes, it is easier.

    Posted 28 May 2009 at 11:16 am
  5. SingleGuyInNC wrote:

    Scott – I agree and interesting corroboration about women and reading personal ads. I still would say that those inactive accounts are “shopping” and hence don’t ever respond.

    Smashville – I get what I feel is a disproportionate number of matches who close me for “I’m pursuing another relationship” immediately after I send first questions stage, not after “a while”, so they are still actively being matched and not ones that have been sitting around and are “retroactive” to a relationship. One would think with a steady stream of matches, they would have gotten more matches, turned them down and thought – “hmm, I’m in a relationship, might want to turn this matching off or close my account”.

    Otherwise, I guess I wasn’t matched with them “quickly enough”, they are communicating with someone else that is more to their liking and only actively pursuing one match at a time.

    Posted 28 May 2009 at 11:52 am

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