eHarmony Blog.com

This is the complete list of choices for qualities, traits, attributes and values from which eHarmony members choose ten Can’t Stands. A version of this list appears in Warren’s how-to book entitled “Date Or Soul Mate? How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less“. Warren’s idea is:

Suppose you could choose ten qualities that the love of your life would have. Which would you choose? But wait — let’s sweeten the deal. Not only do you get to select ten positive qualities this special person will have, but you can also identify and eliminate ten deficits. Which twenty items will make your list?

Becoming crystal clear about these characteristics will prepare you to be a highly effective “mate shopper,” a person who will know with confidence and clarity after only two dates whether a potential partner is worth more of your time, energy, and caring. These are the qualities you are going to memorize, literally burn into your brain, and you’re going to take them with you on every date you go on until you get married.

So he advises:

1. Take the items seriously — only list items that would actually be deal-breakers for you. For example, the disagreeable items should be viewed as “veto items.” Thay are attributes of another person to which you respond so negatively that you wouldn’t choose to spend the rest of your life with the person.
2. Limit your list to 10 of each — for mathematical and practical reasons — so you actually have a chance of finding someone with every quality on your list.
3. Don’t reduce the number of items on your list to increase your odds of finding a match; it will just increase your odds of a miserable relationship which relies on too few strengths to carry the weight of the relationship, and allows for many more deficits which could sink the relationship.
4. Don’t settle for someone who matches up with most of your list.

(Related post: eHarmony Must Haves and Can’t Stands that persuade to the next stage)

The eHarmony website says:

“We tend to focus on what we most want in a partner. However, it may even be more important to know what we want to avoid! Examine the list of items below and select Ten qualities that you can’t stand to have in a potential mate.

“Use this as an opportunity to learn a little more about yourself, and really think about what you’re looking for!”

Traits

Vanity…

I can’t stand someone who is overly interested in their physical appearance.

Dependence…

I can’t stand someone who bases their happiness on me.

Depressed…

I can’t stand someone who is constantly unhappy about their life.

Lying…

I can’t stand someone who lies to anyone-especially to me.

Cheating…

I can’t stand someone who takes advantage of people.

Cynicism…

I can’t stand someone who generally sees the world from a cynical perspective.

Anger…

I can’t stand someone who can’t manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.

Self-Centered…

I can’t stand someone whose main topic of conversation is himself/herself.

Rude…

I can’t stand someone who is belittling, impatient or hateful to people in any situation.

Unhappy at Work…

I can’t stand someone who hates their job and complains about it all the time.

Materialistic…

I can’t stand someone who sees material items as a measure of success.

Denial…

I can’t stand someone who is unable to accept blame or see fault in their own actions.

Workaholic…

I can’t stand someone who treats everything in life as secondary to their job.

Lazy…

I can’t stand someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a “couch potato.”

Worrier…

I can’t stand someone who easily loses perspective and constantly worries.

Intolerance…

While I understand that religious conviction is a positive trait, I can’t stand someone who is self-righteous and feels that their particular faith is the only one that matters.

Victim Mentality…

While everyone has times of self-pity, I can’t stand someone who continually sees himself/herself as a victim.

Grudges…

I can’t stand someone who has a chip on their shoulder.

Mean Spirited…

I can’t stand someone who has a devious nature and is mean to others.

Childishness…

I can’t stand someone who is not emotionally mature.

Fiscally Irresponsible…

I can’t stand someone who is incapable of managing their money.

Petty…

I can’t stand someone who focuses on imperfection.

Hypochondriac…

I can’t stand someone who has a general disposition of sickness and is constantly treating the symptoms of their supposed illness.

Boorishness…

I can’t stand someone who is inclined to rowdy, vulgar or disrespectful behavior when “having fun.”

Excessive Overweight…

I can’t stand someone who is overweight.

Gambling…

I can’t stand someone who gambles.

Drugs…

I can’t stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs.

Intruding Family/Friends…

I can’t stand someone whose relatives and friends are constantly calling or visiting.

Values

Punctuality…

I can’t stand someone who is always late.

Flirts…

I can’t stand someone who constantly flirts with the opposite sex.

Racist…

I can’t stand someone who believes that any particular ethnic group to which they belong is superior to the rest of humanity.

Television Junkie…

I can’t stand someone who constantly watches television.

Poor Hygiene…

I can’t stand someone who is not clean.

Hypocrites…

I can’t stand someone who holds a double standard for their actions and those of other people.

Gossip…

I can’t stand someone who loves to talk about other people.

Judgmental…

I can’t stand someone who finds fault with everyone and everything.

Pornography…

I can’t stand someone who views or owns pornography in any form.

Addictions…

I can’t stand someone who currently suffers from addictions.

Sloppy…

I can’t stand someone who is unkempt.

Undependable…

I can’t stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.

Cheap…

I can’t stand someone who is so tightfisted as to be impractical.

Foul Mouthed…

I can’t stand someone who swears or uses inappropriate language or humor.

Arrogant…

I can’t stand someone who is obnoxiously cocky.

Extremely Shy…

I can’t stand someone who is so shy that they cannot open up and share with me.

Pessimism…

I can’t stand someone who always sees the glass as half empty.

Political Correctness…

I can’t stand someone who censors their thoughts and opinions with a politically correct agenda.

Recklessness…

I can’t stand someone who has a careless and irresponsible manner when with others.

Sexually Obsessed…

I can’t stand someone who is sexually obsessive.

Uninterested…

I can’t stand someone who does not enjoy having sex on a regular basis.

Infidelity…

I can’t stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.