eHarmony Blog.com

Why I like this question

Even before eHarmony existed, even before the Internet existed, this is my topmost favourite date question. It’s true: I’ve asked this question to every date I had since I was a wee teenager. I can even claim that I cannot say I know a person at all until I’ve asked him or her this question.

Why do I ask it? Because every person has a predetermined way of expressing anxiety, frustration, irritation and anger. Some explode, some curse, some run off, some pull out past grievances, and some are masters in passive hostility. By asking this question while a friend is calm, I can tell and get ready when my friend isn’t. Know thy enemy, Sun Tzu says.

How I answer it

I “fight clean.” Before everything I seek to confirm carefully what really happened. I tell people that I’m upset — without giving blame. I stick to one topic. I don’t make it an argument I must win over someone. Moreso I don’t walk out, so I can hear the other person’s side. I can be much upset, Jan, I must be honest, but life experiences have taught me that, handled well, anger is a catalyst that deepens relationships more than dozens of dates ever could.

Hundreds of books are about anger management and handling anxiety. One I remember well is Alan Loy McGinnis’s “Friendship Factor” (1979). McGinnis devotes two chapters to this topic and writes, “I know of no intimate relationship of any duration that will not need to emcompass some irritation and hostility from time to time, and if the two of you agree early in the friendship that negative feelings will be welcomed, it can help enormously.”

Why I hate it

Though I like this question a lot, I never ask it during eH’s Open-Ended Questions round, because I personally know many people who handle negative emotions very well but they do not know that what they do are techniques. It’s natural for them. Their parents taught them early, or they saw it happening in their home.

This question, in essay form, I think, demands too much self-awareness from the other person. That’s why I think most people will fail to answer this question thoroughly, clearly and realistically. People would just tend to copy from self-help books, like I did. The reply has little value.