eHarmony Blog.com

(Copied in entirety with permission from Arjewtino, dated 3 December 2008. Thanks Arjewtino!)

“I am the only gay in the village.” – Daffyd Thomas, “Little Britain”

Eric McKinley, the man who sued eHarmony three years ago for not providing same-sex options on its online dating site, has been getting ripped a new one ever since he won his discrimination lawsuit last week.

Much of this criticism has come from the very people McKinley fought to include when he filed his suit against the Christian-targeted online dating service — the gays.

Under the settlement with the 46-year-old homosexual, eHarmony will pay McKinley $5,000 and launch a separate service, called Compatible Partners, on March 31.

But not everyone sees this as a victory.

I e-mailed seven of my homosexual friends and asked them for their opinion. Here are the results:

• 85.7% said in one way or another that McKinley is a moron
• 42.9% said they didn’t like the name Compatible Partners
• 28.6% said they hated that in the AP story, McKinley used the word “fabulous”
• 0% called me homophobic

Ben of No Ordinary Rollercoaster told me, “I really don’t look at it as a civil rights issue and the fact that someone else did made me roll my eyes.”

My friend Captain McDreamy said, “Go use something else that, maybe, respects you as a human being.”

And Nickels, the gayest gay I know, wrote, “While I am totally for going after anti-gay companies… I would never use their gay or straight site period, since they are fucking lame and have douchebaggy commercials.”

But maybe McKinley, who apparently couldn’t find a date on the thousands of gay dating sites or his local bar bathroom’s glory hole, was actually on to something.

Maybe consumers should start suing private businesses for not providing every service we want. Maybe there is far too much discrimination today that needs to be rectified in the courts.

Maybe, just maybe, Eric McKinley is a hero.

Just think of how many businesses we could sue using McKinley’s logic. I’ve already made a list.

7 more lawsuits the eHarmony settlement might inspire:

1. JDate

Even though I’m Jewish and not single, I’m planning on suing JDate, the self-touted “Leading Jewish Singles Network”, for not including gentiles.

Sure, JDate allows the Chosen People to find each other online for some sweet semitic hookups, acting like the Internet’s version of every Jew’s mom. But what about you non-Jews, who have had to use every other online dating service to find each other?

Why should you not be allowed to find the rest of your goyim on JDate? Christians need to get laid, too, even on a Jewish dating service.

I am seeking a name change from JDate to JCMBHDate to include as many religions I can think of.

2. AARP

When the American Associated of Retired Persons (AARP) sent me an invitation last year to join its organization intended for people 50 or over, I joked about it on my blog.

But now that I think about it, would I have received their benefits if I had chosen to follow through and apply? Probably not.

Old people have it way too good. High pants. Coke-bottled glasses. Grandkids who don’t call.

I want me some of that, too. And I should not be punished for having the misfortune of being born 18 years too soon.

I am seeking full senior citizen benefits even though I’m 33. This includes getting to eat dinner at 4pm and one free bathtub-assistance chair. Those things are awesome.

3. Vegetarian Restaurants

As an Argentine-bred carnivore, I love nothing more than restaurants that serve medium-rare steaks. So why doesn’t the vegetarian restaurant near my house serve any meat?

Sure, I could choose to patronize Fogo de Chao or Morton’s Steakhouse. But why should I have to?

These vegetarian restaurants should cater to every one of my culinary needs.

I am seeking that every so-called vegetarian restaurant slaughter at least one cow per week.

4. Blogs

If you write a blog, watch out. I am suing every one of you for not providing your content on paper.

Currently, there is only one way to read blogs — online. And that’s just fucked up.

How am I supposed to read your complaints about your cat or your LOL musings on your exciting lives? Am I supposed to bring my laptop with me every time I go to the crapper to read?

I don’t know about you, but I like reading physical publications, not ephemeral writings “posted” in the “ether”. Your web logs discriminate against this preference.

I am seeking the publication of every single blog post ever written by the more than 100 million blogs currently online. Including mine.

5. Gyms

For those of you who don’t belong to gyms, this might come as a shock: they discriminate against people who don’t want to exercise.

If you’ve been in a gym recently, you’ve seen its torture devices. Treadmills that make you run instead of stand. Stairmasters that make you step up to get on. And weights that are heavy to lift.

Who do these gym operators think they are?

I am seeking that every gym in this country provide machines that don’t make me do shit.

6. The National Football League

The NFL is arguably the most popular professional sports organization in the country. So why don’t they allow athletes to play baseball?

This football-only policy has been on my nerves for far too long. I don’t care if baseball has its own organization, it should also be played in the NFL. What am I supposed to do during this current “off-season”? Watch the Redskins?

I am seeking the use of bats, bases, and the infield fly rule into the NFL.

7. McKinley’s Own Lawsuit

There was some irony in McKinley’s lawsuit: it discriminated against me since I wasn’t discriminated by eHarmony.

Just because I’m not gay doesn’t mean I can’t also sue the dating site. McKinley should have allowed me to join his lawsuit but chose to discriminate against me for my heterosexuality and the fact that he doesn’t know who I am.

I am seeking McKinley not be allowed to sue anyone ever again.