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This is one of my favourite canned 2nd questions in eHarmony. I make sure I ask this during first dates — not as a conversation starter, of course, but as a follow-up when my date speaks anything about relationships. I like this question because it reveals insight on someone’s preparedness for love, marriage and new relationships.

Unfortunately for me, most of whom I date flunk this question. One of the reasons I write this post is so that you don’t flunk this. This question is too easily misunderstood.

If you notice, it’s similar to the job interview question, “What have you learned from your previous jobs?” Thus the same guidelines apply:

• Absolutely no negative things about past employers.
• Make sure you answer the question: “What you learned”! Establish clearly that your previous jobs taught you to be a better person.
• Describe your accomplishments and what you have contributed to your last employment.
• Clearly explain your reason for leaving your last job.

The best answer, I think, to this question is found in the quotations forwarded to us by friends via email.

• A real healthy relationship requires two people. One person can end it – but it takes two to make it work.
• If you don’t love your self…you can’t love anyone else.
• The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
• It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.
• If you fall in love with God, really fall in love with God, you’ll notice a difference in your love toward your partner.
• Love doesn’t hold a grudge.
• You can give without loving, but you can’t love without giving.

Yes, any of these will work. 1 Corinthians 13:4-6 is also good. Like my “employee” analogy, stay clear of remarks on cynicism, distrust, depression and being blameless. eHarmony is not therapy, and your matches are not your therapists. Employers only hire those who are emotionally and mentally ready to start a new job.

Update: See an actual reply to this question that might shock you.

Good luck! Let me leave you with this poem.

Lessons In Love

What has love taught me and what have I learned?
I still play with fire and often get burned.
A true love can lift you and take you on high
But how can I be sure once I’ve learned to fly?

Oh lift me up, lift me up, turn me around,
I’m not scared of heights ’cause I never look down,
Higher and higher ’til my soul can sing,
Abandon illusions and risk everything.

What has love brought me and what has it shown?
Is it measured in time or how much I have grown?
A trust that would free me and give me my wings
Is one of the gifts love’s relationship brings.

Oh lift me up lift me up, turn me around,
I’m not scared of heights ’cause I never look down.
Higher and higher ’til my soul can sing,
In a free fall of faith as you tug my heartstring.

These lessons of love always put to the test;
First we fall then we fly ’cause love’s what we do best.
I know now that fate can not keep us apart,
For love leads us back to the will of the heart.

Oh lift me up, lift me up, turn me around,
I’m not scared of heights ’cause I never look down.
Higher and higher we’ll soar on the wing,
With love on our side we can face anything!

–Linda Sura