(Copied in entirety with permission from The Daily Rick, dated 2 November 2008. Thanks, Rick!)
Original punctuation and age unedited. My imaginings in italics. If you have a friend with a name I made fun of, I’m not sorry. Your friend has a funny name. 
Cher, 44 Ex-stripper
China, 32 Hippie
ChrisTina, 44 Bad aTtitude
Crystal, 41 Country singer/stripper
Cyndi, 46 Illiterate chain-smoking hausfrau
DeDee, 34 Wh-What?
Delma, 42 This just cannot be an attractive person
dennette, 41 Born at Denny’s
deon, 42 Spelled like a dude — an obnoxious dude
Dian, 41 Cnat sepll
fox, 37 The X-Files were canceled, and so are you
G’Annabelle, 46 G’WTF?
Jasmine, 41 Disney character
Jee, 43 White person with Chinese name = weirdo
Joi, 41 Stripper
juicyfruit, 42 Prostitute
Karita, 38 Has a job sitting behind scratched plexiglass
Mae, 42 This should not be the name of anyone under 112, but in fact she is freaking gorgeous
Mahryhia, 45 Stripper
Marva, 43 Makes me think of “larva,” which is not a good way to start anything
MG4X4, 37 I already ordered a Luv-bot
Monika, 41 Unless you’re German, knok it auf
Monnica, 44 Whattever
Mufonda, 45 Alien overlord
Ranee, 44 Stripper
s, 46 Superhero with low self-esteem, or e.e. cummings fan? I don’t really want to know
Shanlyn, 39 Hick + Chinese-sounding = mental indigestion
shawanda, 36 Will kick my ass
Shawn, 38 A mis-spelled dude’s name = dumb parents = dumb offspring
Shawnah, 36 Sho’ nuff not writing you back!
Shelby, 45 Named for the car she was conceived in
Syntia, 36 Abuses prescription drugs
Tiffany, 37 Every Tiffany I’ve met has been a bitch
Valencia, 38 Named after an orange
xi, 43 Actually, it’s a good Chinese name (”zhee”), I just think it looks like “Eleven”
zibit, 43 Seriously. W.T.F.? Are you a rapper/amphibian?
Just for the record (ahem), I’ve had 169 matches in six weeks. Some quite nice.
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