eHarmony Blog.com
So what do you do for fun? … That’s wonderful… Do you like chinese food? … What type of work do you do? … That’s interesting … How do you feel about premarital sex?
Excuse me? We haven’t exchanged emails, we haven’t talked, we haven’t even met. We don’t even know if the pictures we posted are really us! What kind of person asks complete strangers if they’re interested in fornication?
Somehow four or five of my matches are this kind of person. I don
I used to ask this question as one of my first question, I’ve stopped since I found too many people assume the worst and end up simply closing the match with some lame excuse instead.
My reasoning for asking? No, I’m not a bible-beater and I’m not a nymphomaniac, I’m just an old-fashioned guy who believes in saving oneself until marriage. I’ve had opportunities, I’ve turned them down because I want to be physically intimate with only one girl in my life. And I want to be the only man that my wife is physically intimate with.
So in a way, yes, I am trying to “weed out virgins”. I asked this question because it is my “make it or break it” when it comes to a relationship. If she’s got sexual experience, I’m not interested, and I don’t want to waste my time or risk my heart only to find out down the line.
I had an ex-girlfriend swear up and down she was still completely chaste, she went on to make me fall in love with her, and then broke up with me down the line because I wouldn’t put out. She was lying the whole time about being a virgin, she just wanted to add another notch to her bedboard. I don’t want to go through that type of thing again.
Mind you, I’m not being judgemental, if other people out there want to screw around, that’s their business. But when it comes to me, I want my wife and I to have saved ourselves for each other.
So to answer your question, what type of person asks someone they’ve just been set up with how they feel about pre-marital sex? Well, one type is someone who knows sex is going to be an issue one day and wants to protect themselves from getting stung. Considering eHarmony is pretty much anonymous at the first stage of communication, I don’t see a reason why not to answer it truthfully. I mean, if they don’t like your answer, that’s the time to close the match.
Well, Mr. Anonymous, one of your type has just closed me out. If it happens again it will be back to the drawing board with this question. I hope your type never get divorced or widowed, because if you do, your type kicks you out of the gene pool.
I’m sorry to hear about your matching closing you out. Though, I have to say that it’s probably for the best. I mean, the questions are to check for compatability, right? If you were honest and said you were waiting, and the match closed you, then you have to ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone who was only interested in sex? Or if you were honest and said you had no problem with it, and the match closed you, would you really want to be with someone who was going to have issues with your past sexual experience? If they can’t accept it, is it really someone you want to pursue?
Now, you want to talk about being unfairly closed? I’ve had 19 matches since I started eHarmony two months ago. I have been closed by 12 of them. 11 of them before they even sent their initial five questions. I’d send my questions, I’d wait, I’d receive a “Match Closed”. It’s not like I’m an unattractive guy, nor have I written anything that made me sound bad in my profile. If anything, it’s gotta be my five questions. And I even stopped asking the pre-marital question in the hopes that my matches not assume I was some sort of pervert, but that’s when I stopped getting new matches all together.
As for the other seven matches? I closed five because they were unresponsive, it was never because of something my match said. I have never been judgemental or assumed anything, I’ve always given all my matches a chance. But if I don’t hear from a match after one week of sending my questions, I do a nudge. If nothing after two weeks, I put on hold for a “Not responsive” reason. If after the third week, they have not sent a “I’m here” hold-response, I close. The other two matches, still waiting for some response…
And concluding with your “divorce or widowed” comment, you’re absolutely correct. Which is one reason I dread the possibility of those two events ever happening to me. Not because I’m afraid that “my type” won’t accept me anymore, but because I would never allow myself to be with anyone else if such a thing happened. Like I said, I want to be intimate with one girl in my entire life. Once I’ve given it away to one, I can never be with another.
If waiting for marriage is that important to you, you should just put that in your profile. That would remove the ambiguity of the premarital sex question. Also, if a match closes you out before answering your questions, you can’t assume that your choice of questions is the reason why. Maybe she just didn’t get around to closing the match (based on your profile) before you sent your questions.
You can’t read too much into the way people use eHarmony. Sometimes it’s just a matter of timing with regards to the responses…
I’ve only been asked once, and my answer was “I accept sex as a natural part of dating” which is true. I would assume that a woman who asked might be more the fundamentalist type (which I’m not interested in) and I can’t see myself ever asking a woman that in that stage on eH. Mind you, I’m looking for a relationship but want that to be part of the picture, and I’m certainly not going to get married just to have sex, whether an ancient book says I have to or not.
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